but…uh…

So, last night, me and the Mrs. are sitting around watching a movie and dorking out on the computer. I decide to log into Facebook for the first time in months to answer Emily’s challenge and play a couple of games of Scramble. Pretty quickly, that devolves into trying to figure out who I know that I can add to my limited stable of friends.

Should I mention wine was involved?

Anyway, once I’ve exhausted the friends, relatives, and auto-import of my GMail address book I decide that I want to friend someone cool, smart, and likely to be eating at the same restaurants I am. Sure, I’d never met him, but he seems pretty down to earth and I did take 1 day of my honeymoon to read his entire book, so that has to count for something, right?

Apparently, it does. This completely made my morning.

And by other guy, I mean the side of the bathtub.

I woke up on Tuesday morning feeling fine and dandy. Instead of the usual waking up slowly I tend to do, I hopped right out of bed and went into the bathroom. While in the bathroom I began to feel nauseated. I actually thought I might get sick. I was trying to think about the night before. Why would I feel sick now? Am I really sick or is this just some sort of psychosomatic, self-fulfilling concern?

The next thing I know I am waking up leaning against the bathtub. The first thought flickers through my synapses. “Was I so tired I took a nap in the bathroom?” I vaguely remember not feeling well and thinking that I must have tried to use the coolness of the tub to soothe my illness. I also realize my knee kind of hurts. Then I notice the toilet seat is up and not flushed. Then I remember I had just gone to the bathroom. Next it’s the realization my face hurts. What the hell?

Holy crap, I fainted.

I have never fainted in my life. Ever. If I did, I at least thought I’d realize it was happening. I always imagined it like the movies. Things fade away. You feel yourself fall. Things go black and smeary. Some indication that there was a problem afoot. Perhaps a voice telling you to put your trays in the full upright and locked position. Something. Anything.

That’s not how it is at all. Not even a little bit. One minute I was felling a bit woozy. The next I am waking up from a nap.

I reached up to flush the toilet and sat on the floor gathering my composure. I was now feeling feverish, clammy, and sweaty. That was probably panic as much as anything. The cool tile floor was helpful to keep everything at bay. I thought I should get up and head into the bedroom, but I now had absolutely no faith in my body’s ability to keep me upright.

I heard Emily and the kids moving around and past the bathroom door. Once I heard Em nearby and called her in – making sure to have her open the door slowly. I didn’t need to be smashed by the door as well. I told her that I thought I might have passed out and that my face hurt. She actually didn’t reply with, “Well, it’s killing me.” This is why I love her. She did try to piece it all together and let me know I had a cut on my cheek. She got me into bed and took great care of me.

After a day of ice and pain killers and taking it easy I was feeling OK. The swelling is much better today, but the right side of my face could still play the Marlon Brando part in a community theater production of The Godfather.

I really don’t know what caused all of this. My guess is that I jumped out of bed too quickly and then locked my knees while standing at the toilet. Like anyone, I’ve had a head rush when getting up from bed or a chair, but nothing that made me feel sick and nothing that led to fainting. Had this happened just randomly in the middle of the day I’d be much more concerned. Since it’s pretty obvious what the catalyst was, it’s not too difficult to dismiss it. Even as it is, though, each transition from sitting to standing is a little more disconcerting and tackled with much more care and deliberation than any before.

The really strange thing is how a silly little thing illustrates the tenuous lease we have on life. I’m not trying to be dramatic here. I don’t think there is anything wrong with me – aside from a hurting, squishy face. It’s just amazing how a normal and mundane morning can go from uneventful to surreal and potentially, literally scarring. You start to wonder what might have happened if you fell the other way and hit the sink. What might have happened had this occurred while driving?

We have such faith in our bodies. They are so resilient, so robust. Even if they aren’t the snazziest model ever, they are surprisingly adept at getting us through the life’s bumps and bruises without much thought. We really take for granted all the little things we do every day – like standing upright. We expect it and it seems so simple. It’s not simple at all. Everything must work perfectly or things will crash. All it takes is a split second glitch; a tiny hiccup in the gross motor skills we don’t even think about to smack that realization into you.

That and the tub.

Well, that didn’t work. Maybe they are too smart for us. Or maybe, better yet, they’ve moved on.

It’s time to fight back. We’ve got the motive. We’ve got the means. By tomorrow, we’ll have the peeps.

If you were grossed out like I was by the last “peep poop” post, please read no further.

Today we were doing some general kitchen organizing. A lot of things in the kitchen haven’t found a home since moving in a few years ago. Many glasses and serving dishes and bundt pans are tucked in corners where they were placed “temporarily” in 2003. Throw in 4 kids, a couple of Easy Bake ovens and more coffee mugs than a hipster poetry reading and you have the start of a great weekend project.

Emily did a great job getting the pantry and spices organized. I found some old watches, half a dozen lens cleaning cloths, a few Leatherman multi-tools, and a couple of phone books (I can’t remember the last time I saw one of those) stashed around. Still no sign of the Baby Alive bottle that really got this underway, but we were making progress on the area of our house that most needed it.

Until…

Behind the cleaning products, extra vases, and plastic grocery bags I unearthed the peeps’ secret lair. A week ago I didn’t know peeps could be a pest. Now I can recognize their lair on sight. We’ve come a long way. Apparently, they’ve been stealing bits of felt from the kids’ craft bins. Sure, it looks nice and cozy until you realized the whole area is covered peep droppings.

This cannot be sanitary and I’ve had it. Has anyone ever had a peep infestation before? How dangerous is it? How do I get rid of them? I was thinking of going to the hardware store and getting some mouse traps or glue strips or something. Do you think that would work?

I’m this close to just moving.

The other night after the kitchen debacle I hung out waiting for that other peep to show itself. While I did see him a couple of times I never actually got a hand on him. I had seen him around the appliances on the counter, but I figured it was just a temporary thing as he was running for his candy-coated life.

Once again, as is the theme of the past few posts, I was wrong.

This morning I was clearing up bagel crumbs on the counter and pulled out the toaster (I’m very thorough like that). While I expected to find some bagel crumbs and maybe some bit of cinnamon raisin toast residue from yesterday, I never EVER expected to find what I found.

Peep poop!

EGADS! I may never eat in our kitchen again.

One peep crawling around the bathroom in the middle of the night is strange enough. I mean, our house is generally kept clean of things that would attract a marshmallow duck – like…say…Easter basket grass or whatever. Still, with the weather as great as it has been, we’ve had the windows open a lot and who knows what finds its way in.

Now, I’m starting to get concerned.

Tonight, when we returned home from a little league game and some dinner there were 2 peeps sitting right in the middle of the kitchen floor. Just sitting there. Boldly. Like they owned the place. Like they were the ones sending in the mortgage checks every month. Unbelievable.

Emily took off a shoe – flip-flop, actually – and went to town. She got one right away but the other hightailed it to between the refrigerator and the cabinets.

Where are these things coming from?! Has anyone ever heard of anything like this?

OK, I know my blogging frequency has approached zero over the last few months. Sorry about that. I really am. I’ve actually had a number of things lately that I thoroughly intended to make blog posts. My 1 year anniversary party, ordering my new car, a love affair with Of Montreal and the The Shins’ new album. I’m probably even forgetting things.

The funny thing is, as much as I’ve wanted to write about any ONE of those things, what actually got me typing was the most bizarre thing.

I woke up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom. Not a regular occurrence, but given the amount of water I usually drink not unheard of. Using my patented and perfected ‘unhappy mole in the headlights‘ squint I turn on the lights. I’m working hard to let as little light as possible into my delicate pupils but I’m certain I see something scurry.

I don’t care what it is, but nothing good “scurries.” It just doesn’t.

My many years of man-training have taught me to quickly grab a wad of toilet paper and squish any bathroom trespassers. It’s instinctual. It doesn’t matter that I can’t see what I’m going for. I’m like a ninja with a wad of Charmin. I pounce and it oozes. Boy, does it ooze. A lot.

I’m still too blind to see much but I know that wasn’t a crunchy cockroach or a collapsing spider. No, this was bigger. Much bigger. And gooey. It had mass and density. I’m growing more and more certain that I’ve just squashed a mouse with 5 squares of 2-ply softness. Oh, god.

I’m finally adjusting to the light and I’m revising my animal classification. Slowly. There are no yellow rats I’m familiar with. Yeah, it’s not a mouse. I killed a peep.

Somehow, I made it to my 35th year without ever having carved a pumpkin.

I’m not exactly sure how that is. I haven’t actively avoided it. I’ve seen people carving around me. Last year I even saw a million pumpkins being carved at the Boston common. When my band did Halloween shows, I remember Jason carving pumpkins. Yet, for some reason, I was never around to pick up a knife. I don’t know why that is.

Since Emily is a huge fan of Halloween, this year would be different. After a trip to the pumpkin patch a couple of weeks ago, everyone was going to be carving some faces. Now, what kind of pumpkin should I do? I thought about a pirate. Or maybe something computer related. Is it web 2.0 if it has rounded corners and spelled like Pumpkn? Decisions, decisions. Then, as fate would have it, I saw these instructions appear in my RSS feeds. Perfect.

Who cares that I’d never carved a pumpkin before? What does it matter that aside from some smelly clay during a game of Cranium I have no sculpting experience whatsoever? Who needs talent when you’ve got enthusiasm? This wouldn’t be the first time I bit off more than I could chew.

First things first. I needed an inspiration and this picture was it. Emily had sent me this picture from her camera phone a couple of years ago and I always liked it. It was super silly, but awfully cute. I was sure that carved into a pumpkin it could be pretty scary, too.

Working from a printout of the image, I removed the brightest portions of the image.

Unlike a normal jack-o-lantern. You’ve got to carve your gourd in a dark room with a light inside the pumpkin. You aren’t carving like a normal sculpture. To make items lighter, you have to carve away the pumpkin. To make them darker, you leave them thick. This often leads to things being inverted. Stuff that should stick out is going back in, etc. But not always. It’s really a bit of peculiar optical illusion and a little tricky at first. In fact, I wasn’t sure it was going well at all until I saw this photo as I was carving. It looked way better in the image than it did in person.

The fact that it looked so good in the camera led to the brilliant idea of carving with one eye closed to see the image in 2D. I could then focus on the contrast without worrying about depth.

It really didn’t take as long as I might have thought. A couple of hours all told. Initially, I was trying to keep the subject of my carving a surprise. It was quite funny when the kids would ask me what I was making. “Is it a witch?” “It looks like a monster.” All I could reply was, “Sometimes….”

The final product is far from perfect, but I think you can definitely see the likeness. I’d like to try again next year, but I’d choose my photo differently. This image has a lot of fine detail in the areas where her nose is scrunched up. That area is really key to making it recognizable and was extremely difficult to get right. In fact, I don’t think that I did. The areas between light and dark were so thin that it became a bit of a mishmash. Coupled with the somewhat unusual expression, even things that are intentional can look somewhat like a mistake.

Emily-O-Lantern joins the others in the front window.

I have to say, the best moment was as soon as I put the pumpkin in the window trick-or-treaters walking by started noticing and taking pictures. They were talking to each other. “Look at that face!” “I wonder who it is.” “Do you still have your camera?” I certainly wasn’t prepared for that, but I have to admit it kind of made the whole thing worth while.

Happy Halloween!

This was ordered for my birthday 6 weeks ago by the best girlfriend ever and it finally arrived on Friday. That’s right, it’s an entire case of sauce from the most scrumptious BBQ joint on the planet. Apparently, they were completely out and the order was delayed while they made a fresh batch. I don’t care if it arrived more than a month after my birthday. It was SOOO worth the wait. The ribs I made today were to DIE for.

I’m already freaking out that I only have 15 bottles left now. Mabe it’s time to reorder?