but…uh…

Well, that didn’t work. Maybe they are too smart for us. Or maybe, better yet, they’ve moved on.

It’s time to fight back. We’ve got the motive. We’ve got the means. By tomorrow, we’ll have the peeps.

If you were grossed out like I was by the last “peep poop” post, please read no further.

Today we were doing some general kitchen organizing. A lot of things in the kitchen haven’t found a home since moving in a few years ago. Many glasses and serving dishes and bundt pans are tucked in corners where they were placed “temporarily” in 2003. Throw in 4 kids, a couple of Easy Bake ovens and more coffee mugs than a hipster poetry reading and you have the start of a great weekend project.

Emily did a great job getting the pantry and spices organized. I found some old watches, half a dozen lens cleaning cloths, a few Leatherman multi-tools, and a couple of phone books (I can’t remember the last time I saw one of those) stashed around. Still no sign of the Baby Alive bottle that really got this underway, but we were making progress on the area of our house that most needed it.

Until…

Behind the cleaning products, extra vases, and plastic grocery bags I unearthed the peeps’ secret lair. A week ago I didn’t know peeps could be a pest. Now I can recognize their lair on sight. We’ve come a long way. Apparently, they’ve been stealing bits of felt from the kids’ craft bins. Sure, it looks nice and cozy until you realized the whole area is covered peep droppings.

This cannot be sanitary and I’ve had it. Has anyone ever had a peep infestation before? How dangerous is it? How do I get rid of them? I was thinking of going to the hardware store and getting some mouse traps or glue strips or something. Do you think that would work?

I’m this close to just moving.

The other night after the kitchen debacle I hung out waiting for that other peep to show itself. While I did see him a couple of times I never actually got a hand on him. I had seen him around the appliances on the counter, but I figured it was just a temporary thing as he was running for his candy-coated life.

Once again, as is the theme of the past few posts, I was wrong.

This morning I was clearing up bagel crumbs on the counter and pulled out the toaster (I’m very thorough like that). While I expected to find some bagel crumbs and maybe some bit of cinnamon raisin toast residue from yesterday, I never EVER expected to find what I found.

Peep poop!

EGADS! I may never eat in our kitchen again.

One peep crawling around the bathroom in the middle of the night is strange enough. I mean, our house is generally kept clean of things that would attract a marshmallow duck - like…say…Easter basket grass or whatever. Still, with the weather as great as it has been, we’ve had the windows open a lot and who knows what finds its way in.

Now, I’m starting to get concerned.

Tonight, when we returned home from a little league game and some dinner there were 2 peeps sitting right in the middle of the kitchen floor. Just sitting there. Boldly. Like they owned the place. Like they were the ones sending in the mortgage checks every month. Unbelievable.

Emily took off a shoe - flip-flop, actually - and went to town. She got one right away but the other hightailed it to between the refrigerator and the cabinets.

Where are these things coming from?! Has anyone ever heard of anything like this?

OK, I know my blogging frequency has approached zero over the last few months. Sorry about that. I really am. I’ve actually had a number of things lately that I thoroughly intended to make blog posts. My 1 year anniversary party, ordering my new car, a love affair with Of Montreal and the The Shins’ new album. I’m probably even forgetting things.

The funny thing is, as much as I’ve wanted to write about any ONE of those things, what actually got me typing was the most bizarre thing.

I woke up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom. Not a regular occurrence, but given the amount of water I usually drink not unheard of. Using my patented and perfected ‘unhappy mole in the headlights‘ squint I turn on the lights. I’m working hard to let as little light as possible into my delicate pupils but I’m certain I see something scurry.

I don’t care what it is, but nothing good “scurries.” It just doesn’t.

My many years of man-training have taught me to quickly grab a wad of toilet paper and squish any bathroom trespassers. It’s instinctual. It doesn’t matter that I can’t see what I’m going for. I’m like a ninja with a wad of Charmin. I pounce and it oozes. Boy, does it ooze. A lot.

I’m still too blind to see much but I know that wasn’t a crunchy cockroach or a collapsing spider. No, this was bigger. Much bigger. And gooey. It had mass and density. I’m growing more and more certain that I’ve just squashed a mouse with 5 squares of 2-ply softness. Oh, god.

I’m finally adjusting to the light and I’m revising my animal classification. Slowly. There are no yellow rats I’m familiar with. Yeah, it’s not a mouse. I killed a peep.